so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
