Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
