i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
