My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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