I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
