Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
