wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
