Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
