I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
