i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
