Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
