1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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