I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
