woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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