when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
