So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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