Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
