I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
