In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
