Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Randomize
