so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
