Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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