Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
