Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
