cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
