i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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