we have pet lesbian snakes
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
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