So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
