y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
