Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
