so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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