i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
