in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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