I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
