1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
It's no shave November. This is our time.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
