is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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