meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
