Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You can't special order awesome
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
