I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
