It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
