I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
