A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
