new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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