I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
