why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
