I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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