I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
