i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well I just put wine in my tea
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
