I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize