Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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