I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
