I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
