my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
