I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
