you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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