I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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