Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
