Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
