Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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